Friday, May 15, 2009

"Mean People"...



Tonight while I put the girls down Sage told me she was scared, then Sophie said the same thing. I wondered if they saw something on TV or heard something that scared them. As we chatted, they said they were scared of the mean people from China. I asked what they meant, this is the first time they've said anything like this, they said their neighbor friend who they've started playing with lately told them the mean people from China might come and hurt them. What? I'm not one to overreact, but this is upsetting! I clearly don't know the content or how it came up, so I'm trying not to judge harshly, but I'll definitely get to the bottom of it.

We have always been up front and open with the questions they have about China and their adoption. We've kept it very positive, just like it is. We have told them age appropriate things, adding more detail as they get older. After the initial shock the girls went through (at age 3) as they left the only home they knew in the orphanage and came to perfect strangers (I sent them pictures to help prepare them, but), their whole world turned upside down for a few days then it didn't take long before they knew we were their family and we loved them dearly. They embraced us deeply and wouldn't leave our side, so happy to have a loving family! It took them awhile to trust again. They now say they never want to go back to China (I'm sure in fear that they will be left). We would love to go back for a short trip sometime soon, explaining to them they will never be left again.

I know kids can say some crazy things. I reinforced S & S that "mean people" won't come and hurt them, that they are safe in their own home with parents & brothers watching over them. I also added, the next time to tell her friend that "there aren't mean people in China that will hurt them." I believe they were well cared for and in a decent place until they could come home. I'm disappointed that they heard this, but I'm not worried, they are strong, smart, resilient girls. I'm grateful for their trust in me and knowing they can confide in me.
Tonight when I went to check on them, Sage was asleep in Shophie's bed, with her sis.

Since I'm on this topic, any ideas or examples anyone has on talking to their daughters about their birth mother? The girls have never asked (I'll probably wait until they ask, and I want it to come out right). Right now they view themselves as Americans that happened to be born in China (which they are), but with no birth mother in the picture. She is a special lady in my heart that will always be a part of them. I don't think I'll bring it up before they ask, but I want them to understand it well. We have our favorite popular adoption books we like to read together, and "The Giving Tree" is a favorite of Sage's, it brings up many quiestions about her past. Although they've never brought up their birth mother. Wish she could see their beautiful smiles...


Sage

Sophie

What? Don't you dare, your face might stay that way. Silly girls. They like to tease me and make me laugh :) Love them to pieces!

7 comments:

SSBenjamins said...

Wow! That was sure off the charts.. I am sorry you have had to already start talking to them about this. I would like to know how it all started, I hope the girls are doing ok. You often wonder why kids say what they say and in this case where it is coming from, I would get to the bottom of it. The whole thing is a little odd, I do not think Danica would have a clue or ever even say anything about China... Hmm!
There is one thing about it, your girls are in an amazing home with great parents who love them and great big brothers. Hang in there, I am sure more questions will come about.

Danny & Lindsay said...

You should talk to my mother-in-law. They've always been open with the girls and I think it has been positively received by Becca and Emmy. Text me if you want her ##.

Dianne said...

Thanks guys!
Linz, I'll have to get her #, I remember meeting her and her cute girls. S & S still talk about Becca at times.

Shalise, thanks for your support. I agree, Danica has such a sweet nature, you've taught your girls well!

Lisa and Tate said...

You sound like you handle the questions really well! Since this will be my experience soon, I will gleam all the gems of wisdom I can from others.

You kids really are resilient beautiful girls!

Kelli said...

things have been so crazy here I am so far behind on my blog reading. I love seeing pics of the girls. I cant believe another child would say that. Hope it all gets worked out.

Thressa said...

You, Paul and the boys have given these two girls a wonderful and powerful foundation to build their lives on. Childern can sometimes say the most hurtful things but I have always belived this thing start at higher place. Sophie and Sage are so beautiful that is all because of their family.

Cindy said...

Kids are just so cruel and don't even know it!!!

We have talked about Allie's birth mommy -- she calls her - the mommy I was in her tummy or my China mom. I have told her since she was little especially on Mother's Day that she had a very special mommy & daddy that loved her so very much that they chose to give her to us - since we wanted a little girl so much! That she was born in our hearts not in my tummy. (We have lots of friends & teachers having babies right now.) We have even talked about her special nannies at the orphanage that took care of her while she was waiting for us to come and get her. If she is asked at preschool she tells them that she was born in her mommy's heart!!

Hope this helps!! Hope Sophie and Sage will feel safe will soon again!!