Friday, August 21, 2009

Big tears today

from my sweet Sophie. I have noticed some stress in my girls this week... so many things to face- first time they've been seperated from each other (in seperate classes), first week of First Grade (full day now), and just started a car pool, so they get picked up by my friend after school. Huge changes, are they ready for all of this? The schools really encourage seperating twins, but this is a different situation. My girls need each other! The first day went well, then they started saying they wish they were in their sisters class, and at night they would tell me how long school was and they didn't like it, or they wanted to go back to Mr. Matt's class (1/2 day kindergarten)... pretty normal for the big jump into first grade.

They have always enjoyed school, and never had problems going except for this day, when they were so scared and young, a couple of years ago. I know they still have fears and seperation anxieties and it's starting to show this week. I'm sure it will take some time, but my heart goes out to them.

Today I got a phone call from Jan, the nice secretary. Sophie was in the office in tears worried about her lunch. Last night Josh turned 15, so with his pool party ending pretty late, I didn't get the kids lunches made and told them I'd bring them in this morning. I had just finished making them when the secretary called and let me talk to Sophie who was crying- she asked about her lunch, her dad, her sister, and when she could come home with me. It's not just a lunch issue, I'm sure this was the last straw that she couldn't handle and had a little melt down. Sophie and Sage hardley ever cry, so when they do, I know something's wrong.

I hurried the lunch over to her and gave her a big hug, she told me she didn't like school and I tickled her and told her she'll like it soon. I was hoping she'd get through today, and re-coop for the week-end, but it was too much. It breaks my heart to see her cry, I know this will be tough, even as resilient as they both are. I cried most of the way home, thinking about what they must be going through, hoping and praying that they have loving, sensitive teachers that can help them (Sophie's teacher is wonderful, she was right there with her and said it broke her heart when they did the lunch count and Sophie started crying, but I'm not so sure about Sage's teacher. With the little I've seen, she seems very strict and controlling, very different then what she's ever had). I hope it will be good in the long run, having them seperated. I plan to keep a close eye on everything and help out in their classes, and enjoy every minute I have with them when they are home, but I hate to see them suffer like this. If you have any insight or ideas, please share. Paul thinks we should put them back together in the same class... I'm torn.

19 comments:

M3 said...

Oh this must be so hard! Sending huge hugs to all of you. We're leaning toward having our girls in the same class, but I don't know, it's so hard to know what's right...

leslie the licorice stick lady said...

Dianne,
What a cute story. It brings back SOOOO many memories of Emily and I. I understand the bond that especially identical twins have. I can see why the school would encourage you to separate them, but an adjustment like this might just need a little easing into and they may need each other for comfort, no matter what anyone says.
Coming from my perspective as an identical twin I honestly would say to put them in the same class. Especially in your case with them being adopted. They have looked to each other in the past when times got hard and when there was literally no one else who cared about them as much as their own sister. I think they really NEED each other to handle the changes. Fraternal twins are different and even other identical twins are different. Emily and I were in separate classes at this age, but we didn't come from an orphanage either. This is what I would do. Good luck.

Dale said...

As a former teacher of young children and a psychiatric social worker now, I'd say let them stay together. They have had enough separation and loss in their young lives to warrant as little as possible now. My opinion would be to do whatever fosters a feeling of security for them. If they are 16 and can not be apart, I'd worry but not when they are 6 and home since 3. Just my 2 cents. Love your blog while I wait and wait for my little one.

Keri said...

I'm sorry that this is my first time commenting, but your girls are adorable. My best friends growing up were twins and they were separated for their first grade year and they were miserable. Their mom made sure it never happened again. They both had wonderful teachers, but they missed each other so much. They were so close all through life and they both are in the same profession now! I think encouraging their relationship is the way to go. My friends had others friends, but they were friends that they shared. The twins I grew up with were biological, so they didn't have the added closeness of having depended on each other through the years. I'm going to agree with your husband here.

Kelli said...

as a mother I would put them back together but I tend to over protect my kids and in the end thats not always whats best. I have no idea. It makes me think about twins who one dies at or prior to birth. They must be little sad spirits also. And we cant change that until the next life. Good luck. Tell S&S hugs from Washington State

Sheila said...

Such a tough decision...I have had a tough time having Lexie gone all day, and she seems to be just fine. I cannot imagine if she was struggling too. You two have done a wonderful job with those girls you will know the right thing for them and you. I don't understand why they want to seperate them so badly?(the school)

Thressa said...

Dianne- Just a thought from someone who taught young children years ago.... I agree with your Friend Dale and Paul put them back together. They are not your normal twins they have had so many big events in their short sweet life. So while it is the "normal" thing to separate twins in S&S case they may need a few more years of being together. This is just my thoughts... I hurt also to think of either of the girls crying and not having a wonderful time at school... I hope my thoughts help a little. You and the family are always in my prayers.

Danny & Lindsay said...

Awe... That breaks my heart too! Tell the girls we love abs miss them. They can do anything!!

Jill and Jer Sorhus said...

I have a friend with twins. They tried separating them and the one twin kept sneaking in the other one's class. He just wasn't ready. He would cry all the time. They put them back together and after a couple of years they were strong enough to be on their own. All kids are different. I would put them together!

Catherine said...

Keep them together. You can always separate them in two or three years.

Cyrena said...

This brought tears to my eyes, too! I've never dealt with twins but I do know that with my girls, most of the time, I went with the "experience" and "knowledge" that the school advisors and teachers MUST have and looking back I now KNOW that wasn't always the best decission for MY girls. Maybe it was correct statistically but not for the individual at stake.

We love you guys and miss you all...even though we live close we don't get to see each other much!

SSBenjamins said...

Those poor little cute girls.. Danica has had a very hard time being a full day and mentions she wants to go back to kindergarten with her teacher as well. I think I am having a hard time as well :)
I personally think you should put them back together, it sounds like separation anxiety and it's probably a whole lot more then we can even imagine.I hope things get better, please know I am home all the time, if you need ANY help with them let me know. Good Luck- there lucky to have you and Paul and know how much they are loved, your both great people. Hang in there.. HUGS to YOU

Kristi said...

Dianne,

Can you move them to the same class? Every child is different. Every pair of twins is different. And as their mom you know what is best for them and this may just not be the right year for them to be apart.

I have a friend with identical twins who separated them in 1st grade and quickly found out that the girls weren't emotionally ready for the separation. The real problems started for her when one was invited to a play date or a party and the other wasn't. They just weren't yet mature enough to handle it. She put them back together and separated them again in 3rd grade.

You don't want to have them dislike school.

Kristi

TGR101 said...

Hi Dianne, I popped over from the adopt twins yahoo group and your daughters are breathtaking!!
My daughters (fraternal, adopted domestically) will also be spending their first time ever apart when their school starts next week.
I have already decided to give it two full weeks and if they haven't adjusted by then I'm putting them back together.
I've already emailed both teachers and explained that this is the first time in their lives they'll be spending more than an hour apart. Both teachers responded but one (as seems the same in your case) was much more accommodating than the other. I've been preparing my girls, too, but I think they don't really understand what separate classrooms mean until it actually happens.
So I don't have advice, but just the support of going through it with you!
Tracy

Anonymous said...

I give my support for keeping them together, and in the nicer teacher's room. I don't care what some in the world think...6 is still little, and with all they have been through.

Lisa Busch in CA

Crystal's Digipages said...

Oh my goodness; that made me all teary eyed reading your post! Poor girls.
I don't have any insight; but I know how it is to be separated from my sisters at school. It gets better; we would play together at recess and then later, see each other between classes.. I don't remember it so young though..

Chelle said...

Oh, the little sweethearts. My niece had a hard time w/first grade too...and she's not a twin! A big adjustment for these precious little ones! Good luck!

Tarcoulis said...

Sophie and Sage need to be together. The twin bonds run stronger and deeper than anything we singletons can ever imagine or understand. It is something to be celebrated not severed, and I firmly believe that any decisions impacting twinship should be guided by the two people directly involved. Last week, my girls were separated into different groups at preschool for 45 minutes during which they could visit each other if they wanted. At the end of the day, they still told me it was NOT fun to be on their own and they had a good reunion hugfest in the bathroom afterward. We will face a separation 'policy' at kindergarten next year and I am preparing to fight tooth and nail to keep them together unless they themselves tell me differently. If a child is not potty trained by 4, everyone says 'don't worry, she'll do it when she's ready, I guarantee she's won't be going to college in diapers', so why should there be an age limit on twin separation? They'll do it when they're ready. Listen to your girls. They know what's best for them.

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